Death

A temporary post. This is a translation of an excerpt from one of my favorite Vietnamese authors.

Translation:

“I want to confess something: I think a lot about death, not the how and when will I die — those are beyond my control, I think about what comes after when my eyes had closed, and my heart had stopped beating for the last time: what would I pass down to this world besides a body now has turned to dust?

I believe it’s only when we face death that we understand the value of life. Everyone knows that one day, every single one of us will die, yet we continue to live as if we are immortal. “One day I will start this. One day I will change. One day I will become who I want to be”. But if you’ve been postponing doing something for years, are you sure you’re gonna do it today, tomorrow, or someday? By the time death comes, it’s all too late.

Thinking about death makes me realize my biggest fear. I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of dying without leaving any legacy. I am afraid that people who would come to my funeral could not find much to say – about a person with a career that left no impact, a personality that has neither admirers nor enemies and probably her biggest achievement is passing down her genes to the next generation. “She had had a mediocre life” – they concluded. Then, my name gradually faded among people’s minds. I am more dense than air, but my existence leaves nothing more than air.

I also think about what I should do from now until the moment of my last breath. Many people share the same interests as me: wanting to travel around the world, study abroad, and work on what they have been passionate about, but not all do that. Similarly, I did not do all the things that I wanted either. What motivates my decisions? What differentiates me from others?

I realized that most of the time, we make decisions not based on what we want but based on what we fear. We chose a major we didn’t want because we feared not being able to find a job. We compromise “the love of our lives” having affairs, fearing that if we leave them, we might end up being lonely for the rest of our lives. We endure mistreatment from customers because we fear losing that potential customer.

The fear of being mediocre has become the main factor that influences my decision-making process. Standing in front of an important threshold, I find myself wondering: “Will doing this make my life mediocre?”

“Will going to college immediately after finishing high school, when I don’t even know what I want to do make my life mediocre?”
”Will having a standard well-paid job make my life mediocre?”
”Will getting married to a person with this mindset and this lifestyle makes my life mediocre?”

Many people in front of the same threshold as me have made completely different choices because they fear failure. Yes, I fear failure, but I fear mediocrity more. Fear of mediocrity makes me willing to take more risks than usual. Taking more risks than usual caused me to fall harder than usual, but then helped me learn more lessons than usual. And on unusual occasions that I don’t fall, what I achieve is not mediocre.

You might think I am such a greedy person pursuing fame and fortune. Yet, a not mediocre life is not necessarily associated with a life of fame and fortune. I happened to meet some influential and wealthy people, and I thought to myself: “Their lives are mediocre.” On the other hand, I met people who live humbly and frugally, but still, I consider them extraordinary.

A not mediocre life, to me, is a meaningful life. A life in which I create long-lasting values, impact others, and give more than I receive. A life where even after I’m gone, there will be people missing me not just because of blood ties but because I helped bring positive changes to their life.

A not mediocre life, to me, is a life without any fixed route. I find it irritating when someone labels me and expects me to live my life surrounded by that one and only label. I am not just a girl who “grab the backpack and go.” I am not just a programmer. I am not just a farm girl. I am everything and more. I am a unique blend that is entirely my own.

I am not here to judge what is a good life vs an ordinary life. I wish I could be contented with an ordinary life – a peaceful and simple life with few changes. A life that allows me to spend most of my time with my loved ones. People who are contented with their peaceful lives probably feel very pity for me, like a wild stallion relentlessly chasing the moon, only to return to ashes.

I hope you do not judge my life only based on what I gained and lost. Does my life worth only those bullet points? The truly valuable things are those that cannot be valued. The truly priceless treasures are those that cannot be named.

Would it be ungrateful to ask you to forget me?
Would it be selfish to ask you to remember me?”